Stab, Dig, Twist Repeat…

So I’m sitting here listening to all the sad songs I can. Is it therapy? You be the Judge.

It’s funny how as a smart human being I can result to all sorts of emotional and mental torture on myself. I’ve had this guy be hopelessly in love with me for years, it’s all I ever wanted and once I got it I treated it like my bastard stepchild. I had this other guy not give care at all about me and I showed him respect attention and love, I’ve had this other guy tread water somewhere in the middle and I hopelessly threw myself at him. So what’s the result in the end?

The First guy is slowly starting to not feel the same about me, of course

The second guy is happily moved on

and the third guy is in turmoil about in the same love I am with him, just someone else.

It’s a good novel waiting to be written but, it has to take a backseat to the one I’m trying to write right now. I’m just really exhausted, I’ve been to all of these places more than once before. I watched the guy who loves me suffer by my hand, I tried to make it better but, something in me keeps pulling in an adverse direction, perhaps it’s insatiability? Maybe I’ll grow out of it?  I watched the guy who couldn’t care less about me walk out on me like I was never there and that’s no surprise, and I’ve watched the guy in the middle go through everything I go through with him with someone else. Yet I stay there because I care about him and I want to support him, I want him happy but, when he’s so adamant about loving someone else sometimes me virtuousness is beaten into a pulp and left to the side of the road.

Now either you’re saying “you poor thing”, “I’ve been there” or “This is what you get” and depending on your answer the next few thoughts will appeal to you in different ways.

At this point I’m thinking maybe I should really just stop everything. the guy who loves me has come to this wierd acceptance of my faults in these situations, they don’t please him at all but, to him I’m nothing but someone who can’t help but lie and cheat and be lost in someone elses’s sauce. So while it’s endearing that he’ll be there in my imminent turmoil it’s not endearing that  he doesn’t have faith in me anymore. He shouldn’t have faith in me at all, doesn’t make it any much easier.

And sensible person getting punched in the gut would block or move or in some way try to avoid the damage. Not I, I have to get punched in the gut, I have to be the fool to keep listening to stories of him being in love with someone else and wanting someone else, I have to keep letting the knife drive deeper and TWIST. Because somewhere down the line this has become the normal ‘good’ thing for me.

I don’t really feel bad for myself, I could easily end this situation, what upsets me is that I really love(d?) this guy a lot and all I wanted really was for him to feel the same way. We hung out, we talked, we said it to each other but, there was no admission there from him. I said it all he just kind of agreed and got by in ways, and now here I am looking like the fool again. Ignored the one I had for the one I couldn’t have. I didn’t even care if didn’t date, it was not about that, I just wanted him to love me in that way too, so I could know that I don’t keep misplacing my chips but, I guess I was wrong, sure he has feelings for me but, no matter what kind of unconditional love and support I threw at him it wasn’t going to make him love me more. You can dictate that kind of shit you know, it just comes and goes.

Then again maybe I wasn’t ever generous, maybe all my exploits for him were selfish because I wanted reciprocation in the end. I wanted him to take those things and love me similarly, that kind of want for personal gain doesn’t ever work right does it? Its a hybrid of selfishness but, deep down it’s always going to be selfishness isn’t it?

I suppose I come to a point where I’m either going to say I’m going to get over this guy once and for all and accept that there’s no chance for a future for the two of us. You know you dream maybe we’ll be friends and mature enough to understand our complicated situation and live through it with a shrug and a laugh but, I don’t know now I don’t think I’m that good of a person, I don’t think I’ve got the mental capacity to accept that I could spend time actually loving a person for no real reason or possibility of likewise affection. Its as if I built a building and no one wants to live in it, what good is it? might as well tear it down.

“Why are you so focused on this guy? what about the other guy who, you say, loves you?”

Good question my faithful reader(s)

Well, I don’t know to be honest. Its not an ‘I don’t know’ like I don’t know if I love him. I know I love him but, there was never a closure between me and the other guy, so I suppose this is just like residual dust settling and now it’s time to clean up. What’s happening should be closure on the situation, sometimes I wish he would just say “Listen I don’t love you, I like you, you’re cool, but I’m not in Love with you!” as much as that would shatter me into pieces, then it would be final and clear and I could just die a little more and re piece myself over time.

The choice I have now is: Suffer the consequences of watching him love someone else or jettison him from my life. Not an easy choice, which is, in ways, ironic because he’s faced with the choice between two guys that he likes (neither of them myself, ofcourse) and I’m faced with two options about him that’ll either break my heart or break my heart, and he think he has it bad!

As of now it looks like I’m going to Catch the Pretenders at Summer Stage NYC August 10th, that’s good, if the former wasn’t happening I’d probably be doing a dance around the house. I’m sure I’ll be very excited when the time comes.

I’m going to see Distant Worlds: The Music Of Final Fantasy this upcoming Saturday, so that’s awesome, this is something I’ve dreamed about for quite a long time and it’s going to be wonderful.

Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen will be on Friday, not looking forward to the film but, I’m going with my Ex-boss / Good friend so I’m happy to be going anywhere with him.

I suppose it isn’t all too bad. I’ll live.

Happy Father’s Day too…for those of you who are and have.


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