Archive for November, 2010

On: Fallible Expectations

Posted in Life with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on November 30, 2010 by thenewserials

As I sit here in the overflow room in at my campus I’m suddenly reminded that I have absolutely nothing to look forward to tonight. Another night alone watching television I don’t want to see.

maybe I’ll go the movies by myself but, that wouldn’t be fair to my dogs who like to have company and I don’t want to do to them what others have done to me.

Today I feel…alright. I don’t feel angry at the world as much as I usually do,  the same old betrayal and nonsense engulfs me but, what can I do? I can’t make people act the way I want them to act. The individual is a beautiful thing even when its ugly.

Though I’m starting to wonder what the point of being in love is. I mean I get it it’s nice sometimes and it works for a little while but, then it just dies like a slug sprayed with salt. It dissolves into a disgusting abomination I wish I hadn’t seen in the first place.

On the one hand I’ve got a man who has so many ambitions he can’t sit still. His mind and hormones and social life are all buzzing like bees and maybe I’m stupid but, I’ve found myself falling for him and he wouldn’t give me the time of day until recently. We had a great time, smiling and eating and being sexual and whatever but, then two days later he was on to the next one.

Why is it that I feel upset? There was no contract there, no one said neither of us could go out and pursue our fleshly, emotional and mental needs. Maybe I’m just idealistic and stupid, I shouldn’t have ever have put my self in that position because I knew, I KNEW this was going to happen. This is how it always happens, I think I’m some sort of treasure that should be beheld and cherished and really at the end of the day I’m nothing more than a chew toy. Amusing while in use but, other than that no lasting quality. As he said why should he care about anyones emotions over his own?

Self Preservation is man’s first instinct.

On the other hand I’ve got someone with such low ambition he can’t even stay awake. He slouches and whines and picks at his pathetic life and wallows in self pity that’s generated by his overzealous need for nothing. But I’m expected to treat this was some sort of excitement or at the very least some moderate transgression of interest. Some rule forbids me from being disgusted and repulsed by his line of thinking, my intellectual make up has run over some taboo that I didn’t know existed. And so when I talk to him I snap or I’m not as kind as I could be but, kindness is a tool that is allotted by some sort of respect and how can I respect something or someone who has utterly nothing to show for themselves at any point of any time? Furthermore why has he decided to hitch to me? I’m not wildly successful I’m moving at a moderate pace and barely that on my own, why hitch your suffering to that which you can easily take down? Isn’t it more a challenge to drain the soul of an Angel, aren’t the rewards greater then?

And on the foot I’ve got a guy who owes nothing to me in any fashion but, I want him to feel the way I feel about him. A constant ache to just have someone understand that I don’t ask for much but, I do ask for accountability. Someone who will finally think about me before they commit their actions? And why do I prescribe this falsehood on someone who doesn’t even live within 100 miles of me? Why have I let my silly little heart jump ahead of itself again and want someone who isn’t even emotionally there. He’s got problems of his own and I come with some much baggage you could pack you house in it.

I’ve lost control to some degree, I really have let myself be ruled by the inane actions of a few. So what If I’m a ‘nice guy’? That doesn’t strengthen someone’s allegiance or make them want to fight for you or make them someone who can even exist in my realm of insanity.

Why did I ever put these people on this pedal-stool, they’re just human beings. Imperfect, sometimes irrational, normal human beings. The pressures I’ve bestowed upon them are all the things I guess I want to be and can’t. Out of my broken pieces perhaps I could have welded together something greater but, I chose the wrong subjects and they had never asked for the positions.

And likely they’ll never give me the satisfaction that I want, not because its too much to ask of them but, really because they don’t WANT to. THAT’s the critical illusion to dispel.

But, like always; Tomorrow is a new Day.

Twitter.com/KeithBCovington

Facebook.com/Raganork8

On: Personality Flaws

Posted in Uncategorized on November 22, 2010 by thenewserials

I need one but, I'm afraid I might corrupt him

I never pretended to be an amazingly together person. I like to think that I act with a great deal of logic and kindness but, every so often I can slip into a rage of total foolishness and selfishness. I admit I have flaws in my personality, ones that wish I didn’t have but, nevertheless I do.

Sometimes I can sink into such a dark place that I don’t even know what i’m doing anymore. I scare myself at points, I ignore my responsibilities, I alienate the people I care about and what not.

I give into the beastly feelings of my animalistic ways, i’m no different than any other man, except sometimes I think I’m twice as mad. I can become some mad that i physically cannot find a place of comfort. It’s an inescapable nightmare that haunts me every so often.

It’s as if there’s another person sitting on my chest insisting that my getting up is a criminal offense. I’m incapable of falling in love the right way, I can love but, For some reason I can retain that feeling in others, either I smother them to death or I force a drought upon them.

i didn’t ask to be this way but, I have accepted that this is who I am. I transpose my flaws into my creative writing or use it to attack the problems of my ethical issues. Who better to charge the fight against an immoral than an equally immoral person? I know the animal better than most others will and I can be the one to slay it.

The fatal disease that poison that infects our society and permeates our legal system is the same thing that flows through my veins and threatens to consume me in total. But If I’m strong and can conquer, or at least learn to control it I may have a chance to be the one who plunges the spear in its heart.

I am not a warrior

I am not a monk.

I’m just a man who wants to either tame the monster or embrace it wholly.

 

Twitter.com/KeithBCovington

Facebook.com/Raganork8

On: Dealing With Other People.

Posted in Life with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on November 20, 2010 by thenewserials
People Suck

The Truth is usually written in black and white

To anyone who knows me its no surprise when I say: “I don’t like other people” Hell, I don’t even like myself that much. That’s not to say I hate everyone, it just means that when confronted with new people its more often an experience that doesn’t lead to any lasting (good) impressions.

In my head I chalk this up to being because ‘other people’ are unreliable and uninteresting but, the other part of my mind likes to be a little more reasonable and accepts that maybe the problem lies within myself somewhat.

The first issue is that I missed the pop culture boat. When I was younger I just didn’t care about listening to popular music or anything. I spent the week in the city with my mother and went to school (which ultimately resulted in watching 90’s sitcoms and PBS) and the weekends in a more suburban area relaxing (which consisted of mostly talking and playing games). What was hot on the charts didn’t really come up unless it was some sort of sweeping phenomenon like Michael Jackson. So when I entered middle school and high school I was behind on the Jonses.

The Second was that I had no interest in catching up. By the time I was high school people were established in their artist and 99% of them consisted of what was on the radio at the time. It wasn’t until my second year of high school til’ I discovered the Pretenders and totally immersed myself with their music. In the four years of high school I caught myself up on some near 30 years of music, I didn’t have time to get into the ludicrous reaggeton and rap crazes. This of course made me the odd fellow in school, not to mention my homosexuality (which became the craze at some point but, even then I wasn’t very interested in other people), the odd fellows in the school still weren’t my friends.

Ultimately I didn’t care anymore, I had been alienated from people my age over what interested me, alienated from the Gay community cause I didn’t share anything in common with the general community and the same for the Black community. My life as a recluse really was solidified.

When I went to college I didn’t think it would be more interesting, and it wasn’t. I didn’t need to interact with anyone anymore and there as no one to interact with anyway. My specific taste in music and culture still was putting me at odds with people. Except this time people were more understanding about it. instead of flat out rejection I got a series of slow rejection, whether it was people pitying me or just generally losing interest in trying to figure out my habits over time I don’t know but, the general pattern was meeting someone who was interested in me in then in 6 weeks tapering off into barely speaking.

So at this point in life, I’ve given up on other people, if I meet someone interesting I’m jaded enough  to know that patterns exist for reasons. The Human race is a slave to its previous actions, they’ll never move away from the things they’ve done because its a scary thing and with the world they’ve created there’s good reason to fear a lot of things.

 

Twitter.com/KeithBCovingon

Facebook.com/Raganork8