On: Fallible Expectations

As I sit here in the overflow room in at my campus I’m suddenly reminded that I have absolutely nothing to look forward to tonight. Another night alone watching television I don’t want to see.

maybe I’ll go the movies by myself but, that wouldn’t be fair to my dogs who like to have company and I don’t want to do to them what others have done to me.

Today I feel…alright. I don’t feel angry at the world as much as I usually do,  the same old betrayal and nonsense engulfs me but, what can I do? I can’t make people act the way I want them to act. The individual is a beautiful thing even when its ugly.

Though I’m starting to wonder what the point of being in love is. I mean I get it it’s nice sometimes and it works for a little while but, then it just dies like a slug sprayed with salt. It dissolves into a disgusting abomination I wish I hadn’t seen in the first place.

On the one hand I’ve got a man who has so many ambitions he can’t sit still. His mind and hormones and social life are all buzzing like bees and maybe I’m stupid but, I’ve found myself falling for him and he wouldn’t give me the time of day until recently. We had a great time, smiling and eating and being sexual and whatever but, then two days later he was on to the next one.

Why is it that I feel upset? There was no contract there, no one said neither of us could go out and pursue our fleshly, emotional and mental needs. Maybe I’m just idealistic and stupid, I shouldn’t have ever have put my self in that position because I knew, I KNEW this was going to happen. This is how it always happens, I think I’m some sort of treasure that should be beheld and cherished and really at the end of the day I’m nothing more than a chew toy. Amusing while in use but, other than that no lasting quality. As he said why should he care about anyones emotions over his own?

Self Preservation is man’s first instinct.

On the other hand I’ve got someone with such low ambition he can’t even stay awake. He slouches and whines and picks at his pathetic life and wallows in self pity that’s generated by his overzealous need for nothing. But I’m expected to treat this was some sort of excitement or at the very least some moderate transgression of interest. Some rule forbids me from being disgusted and repulsed by his line of thinking, my intellectual make up has run over some taboo that I didn’t know existed. And so when I talk to him I snap or I’m not as kind as I could be but, kindness is a tool that is allotted by some sort of respect and how can I respect something or someone who has utterly nothing to show for themselves at any point of any time? Furthermore why has he decided to hitch to me? I’m not wildly successful I’m moving at a moderate pace and barely that on my own, why hitch your suffering to that which you can easily take down? Isn’t it more a challenge to drain the soul of an Angel, aren’t the rewards greater then?

And on the foot I’ve got a guy who owes nothing to me in any fashion but, I want him to feel the way I feel about him. A constant ache to just have someone understand that I don’t ask for much but, I do ask for accountability. Someone who will finally think about me before they commit their actions? And why do I prescribe this falsehood on someone who doesn’t even live within 100 miles of me? Why have I let my silly little heart jump ahead of itself again and want someone who isn’t even emotionally there. He’s got problems of his own and I come with some much baggage you could pack you house in it.

I’ve lost control to some degree, I really have let myself be ruled by the inane actions of a few. So what If I’m a ‘nice guy’? That doesn’t strengthen someone’s allegiance or make them want to fight for you or make them someone who can even exist in my realm of insanity.

Why did I ever put these people on this pedal-stool, they’re just human beings. Imperfect, sometimes irrational, normal human beings. The pressures I’ve bestowed upon them are all the things I guess I want to be and can’t. Out of my broken pieces perhaps I could have welded together something greater but, I chose the wrong subjects and they had never asked for the positions.

And likely they’ll never give me the satisfaction that I want, not because its too much to ask of them but, really because they don’t WANT to. THAT’s the critical illusion to dispel.

But, like always; Tomorrow is a new Day.

Twitter.com/KeithBCovington

Facebook.com/Raganork8

Advertisements

One Response to “On: Fallible Expectations”

  1. your slug simile was awesome btw- that’s exactly what love is, to me at least. love is merely an illusion created to bring pain and hurt into a person’s world. it is an emtion that isn’t worth feeling and yet we can’t help a physical attraction or something deeper towards another human being (assuming you don’t believe in beastiality).

    in short, men are utterly stupid and, more often than not, not owrth your time romantically. by spending time with a person, you don’t even have to share feelings although it helps, you make a bond or connection with them that only gets strong with time. if it is an attraction, it will sting when you see them with someone else, especially if you were sensual with the person in your time together. and the betrayal you feel? im all-too familiar with this beast who rips out your heart.

    as for your foot, you probably don’t want to hear this, but I feel the same way about the same person (of course im making an assumption that i know this person- if not, im sorry). sharing hopes and dreams as well as laughter has cause you to fall for someone who, by chance, does not live close and possibly does not return the same feelings. telling him how you feel results in a cold shoulder, which hurts almost as much as finding out he’s with someone else suddenly. but how do you explain that to him without scaring him off for good and losing a close friend?

    the world is strange indeed, but the sun always rises in the morning.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: