Archive for the Life Category

On: Fallible Expectations

Posted in Life with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on November 30, 2010 by thenewserials

As I sit here in the overflow room in at my campus I’m suddenly reminded that I have absolutely nothing to look forward to tonight. Another night alone watching television I don’t want to see.

maybe I’ll go the movies by myself but, that wouldn’t be fair to my dogs who like to have company and I don’t want to do to them what others have done to me.

Today I feel…alright. I don’t feel angry at the world as much as I usually do,  the same old betrayal and nonsense engulfs me but, what can I do? I can’t make people act the way I want them to act. The individual is a beautiful thing even when its ugly.

Though I’m starting to wonder what the point of being in love is. I mean I get it it’s nice sometimes and it works for a little while but, then it just dies like a slug sprayed with salt. It dissolves into a disgusting abomination I wish I hadn’t seen in the first place.

On the one hand I’ve got a man who has so many ambitions he can’t sit still. His mind and hormones and social life are all buzzing like bees and maybe I’m stupid but, I’ve found myself falling for him and he wouldn’t give me the time of day until recently. We had a great time, smiling and eating and being sexual and whatever but, then two days later he was on to the next one.

Why is it that I feel upset? There was no contract there, no one said neither of us could go out and pursue our fleshly, emotional and mental needs. Maybe I’m just idealistic and stupid, I shouldn’t have ever have put my self in that position because I knew, I KNEW this was going to happen. This is how it always happens, I think I’m some sort of treasure that should be beheld and cherished and really at the end of the day I’m nothing more than a chew toy. Amusing while in use but, other than that no lasting quality. As he said why should he care about anyones emotions over his own?

Self Preservation is man’s first instinct.

On the other hand I’ve got someone with such low ambition he can’t even stay awake. He slouches and whines and picks at his pathetic life and wallows in self pity that’s generated by his overzealous need for nothing. But I’m expected to treat this was some sort of excitement or at the very least some moderate transgression of interest. Some rule forbids me from being disgusted and repulsed by his line of thinking, my intellectual make up has run over some taboo that I didn’t know existed. And so when I talk to him I snap or I’m not as kind as I could be but, kindness is a tool that is allotted by some sort of respect and how can I respect something or someone who has utterly nothing to show for themselves at any point of any time? Furthermore why has he decided to hitch to me? I’m not wildly successful I’m moving at a moderate pace and barely that on my own, why hitch your suffering to that which you can easily take down? Isn’t it more a challenge to drain the soul of an Angel, aren’t the rewards greater then?

And on the foot I’ve got a guy who owes nothing to me in any fashion but, I want him to feel the way I feel about him. A constant ache to just have someone understand that I don’t ask for much but, I do ask for accountability. Someone who will finally think about me before they commit their actions? And why do I prescribe this falsehood on someone who doesn’t even live within 100 miles of me? Why have I let my silly little heart jump ahead of itself again and want someone who isn’t even emotionally there. He’s got problems of his own and I come with some much baggage you could pack you house in it.

I’ve lost control to some degree, I really have let myself be ruled by the inane actions of a few. So what If I’m a ‘nice guy’? That doesn’t strengthen someone’s allegiance or make them want to fight for you or make them someone who can even exist in my realm of insanity.

Why did I ever put these people on this pedal-stool, they’re just human beings. Imperfect, sometimes irrational, normal human beings. The pressures I’ve bestowed upon them are all the things I guess I want to be and can’t. Out of my broken pieces perhaps I could have welded together something greater but, I chose the wrong subjects and they had never asked for the positions.

And likely they’ll never give me the satisfaction that I want, not because its too much to ask of them but, really because they don’t WANT to. THAT’s the critical illusion to dispel.

But, like always; Tomorrow is a new Day.


On: Dealing With Other People.

Posted in Life with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on November 20, 2010 by thenewserials
People Suck

The Truth is usually written in black and white

To anyone who knows me its no surprise when I say: “I don’t like other people” Hell, I don’t even like myself that much. That’s not to say I hate everyone, it just means that when confronted with new people its more often an experience that doesn’t lead to any lasting (good) impressions.

In my head I chalk this up to being because ‘other people’ are unreliable and uninteresting but, the other part of my mind likes to be a little more reasonable and accepts that maybe the problem lies within myself somewhat.

The first issue is that I missed the pop culture boat. When I was younger I just didn’t care about listening to popular music or anything. I spent the week in the city with my mother and went to school (which ultimately resulted in watching 90’s sitcoms and PBS) and the weekends in a more suburban area relaxing (which consisted of mostly talking and playing games). What was hot on the charts didn’t really come up unless it was some sort of sweeping phenomenon like Michael Jackson. So when I entered middle school and high school I was behind on the Jonses.

The Second was that I had no interest in catching up. By the time I was high school people were established in their artist and 99% of them consisted of what was on the radio at the time. It wasn’t until my second year of high school til’ I discovered the Pretenders and totally immersed myself with their music. In the four years of high school I caught myself up on some near 30 years of music, I didn’t have time to get into the ludicrous reaggeton and rap crazes. This of course made me the odd fellow in school, not to mention my homosexuality (which became the craze at some point but, even then I wasn’t very interested in other people), the odd fellows in the school still weren’t my friends.

Ultimately I didn’t care anymore, I had been alienated from people my age over what interested me, alienated from the Gay community cause I didn’t share anything in common with the general community and the same for the Black community. My life as a recluse really was solidified.

When I went to college I didn’t think it would be more interesting, and it wasn’t. I didn’t need to interact with anyone anymore and there as no one to interact with anyway. My specific taste in music and culture still was putting me at odds with people. Except this time people were more understanding about it. instead of flat out rejection I got a series of slow rejection, whether it was people pitying me or just generally losing interest in trying to figure out my habits over time I don’t know but, the general pattern was meeting someone who was interested in me in then in 6 weeks tapering off into barely speaking.

So at this point in life, I’ve given up on other people, if I meet someone interesting I’m jaded enough  to know that patterns exist for reasons. The Human race is a slave to its previous actions, they’ll never move away from the things they’ve done because its a scary thing and with the world they’ve created there’s good reason to fear a lot of things.

You Don’t Know Your On fire Until You’re Put Out.

Posted in Life on December 10, 2008 by thenewserials

Have you ever examined your life from a third person perspective and thought: “Well what the hell is going on over there?”

That’s kind of where I am. I’m beginning to resent college, a lot. I like the idea of learning; but, I don’t like the idea of vying for attention to get a piece of paper that’s not going to do me much good anyway.

It feels like everyone around me is stuck in a world that I either don’t understand or can’t respect. I feel on one hand that I’m better than them; but, on the other hand that my sense of “better” is strange and misplaced. I understand humor, and I understand education; but, something in that equation is frustrating me beyond belief.

Don’t get me wrong; there are a lot of talented people at my college and there are a good amount of people to respect and admire; however, there always seems to be some kind of cost.
Everyone I meet seems to have some sort of fatal flaw. It’s nothing that’s insane by the standards of human nature; but, usually they are general ‘deal breakers’ for me.

For example: There’s this guy who’s been interested in me for about a little over a year and a half now. He’s a bright, funny, artistic guy whom I share a mutual attraction for and at one point considered to be someone I could bond with in a close and maybe sometimes intimate way. Well after confessing that he had feelings for me and that there was nothing either of us could do about it; we decided we’d just be friends and support each other. Not long after he simply vanished from my life. He stopped returning phone calls; he stopped messaging me, he seemingly vanished from campus, the works. At first I admit i was very put off by this; but, not long after I got over it and put the guy out of my mind. Not that long ago he suddenly comes back and is attempting to continue where he left off without addressing the issue of what happened; and why he would ignore someone he was so deeply in tune with. “Well that’s just the person I am” was his answer. Whatever. So I attempt to appease things and suggest that maybe we should just catch up and see what happens from there; but, that I wouldn’t be patient enough to tolerate another display like the last one and he essentially relayed that he understood.

Well of course he vanished again and it didn’t piss me off as much as it made me feel stupid. I saw him yesterday and apparently my “Boyfriend” is convinced that the guy wouldn’t stop staring at me and was seemingly trying to subtly get my attention.

That irks me; I don’t see why someone just can’t FEIGN interest in the life of someone they claim to care so much about. How can one be so smart and so creative and so “in tune” and then be such a complete ass-wipe at the same time?

Elsewhere I’m stressing out over the finals I have to do; this is what I mean about being upset with college. This year I’ve done some good work, work that has more than proved that I was serious about my classes (or at least I was more than serious about appearing more than serious about my classes)but, none of that means anything because if I fail my finals then I fail my classes. What’s the sense of going all year long then? I could be bumming around seeing the Pretenders or not cutting my losses in finding a job because no one wants to hire me because I’m in school.

My “Boyfriend” is always sick; I mean 6 out of the 7 days of the week this fucking guy has got some kind of ailment. He’s like a whole season of “House”. At first it’s just a little scary, you know you care for someone and they get sick, that can be really nerve wracking. But when it’s every fucking day; you get tired of trying to make this person better. PLUS they don’t ever listen to anything you say or do anything; they just follow you around like the dragon fly in Spyro the Dragon and allow you to do things for them. It’s fun when you’re in love until you start to have to shovel the shit out of the yard. I’m just sick of everyday “I feel bad” “I have to go to the E.R.” it’s not like he has a disease, that we know of, it’s just random shit happening all the time and since I’m seemingly the only one who cares enough to take care of him; I’m expected to drop my life and take care of him. But I don’t want to have to do that all the time. I want to enjoy myself, I want to go out and have fun, I want someone to think of me every once in a while when it’s not my birthday and take me to do something that I like doing. But sometimes, some people don’t get those privileges. Sometimes we just got to be the toilet and not the shitter.

I picked up The Dark Knight on DVD yesterday and watched it last night after class, and I have to say the movie is just as good the twenty billionth time as it was the first time.

The Pretenders are coming to town on the 30th of January and I will, hopefully, be fortunate enough to go to the show and have another night of bliss with my favorite band of all time. This will be the first time I’ve seen the new band in some non-promotion show doing a whole set, so it should be fairly interesting to see how that turns out.

The other idea is that there doesn’t really seem to be anybody reading this blog and this has become more therapeutic than informative, which I can understand. Who really gives a flying fuck about what I do in my spare time (which is nothing to begin with); but, if you are interested in seeing me happy and putting a smile on my face for the time being, won’t you leave a comment and let me know that you visited? That’d be a nice surprise, unless of course your my “Boyfriend” I don’t want you to leave a comment because I force you to read this crap anyway.

Until next time…

Nothing to do will give you nothing to say

Posted in Life with tags , , , , , , , , on November 25, 2008 by thenewserials

I’ve been away for a little while; but, that’s only because I’ve been lazy and not very busy.

As you can tell I enjoyed Quantum of Solace, a good quality film that achieved the objective it set out on.

Other than that I haven’t been really doing anything; except playing with my laptop and watching T.V.

24: Redemption was on the other day and I also enjoyed that.

I’m sitting in my reporting class right now trying to figure out what I’m going to write for my final. I have to do a three paged paper on a story of my choice. I have chosen, subsequently, to do a story on Proposition 8’s potential effects on New York City. I, hopefully, plan to interview some people with the idea that maybe proposition 8 will hold hope for their beliefs for New York in the future. That way I can craft a story of two New York’s that are going to be effected by the ripple of the crater known as proposition 8.

The biggest problem with that is that I can’t figure out what the story is. I mean I have the idea; I have the plan; but, why should anyone care? Where is the conflict? The other issue is that I don’t know where I’m going to find an avid “Yes for Prop 8” person in NYC that is going to #1 speak to me and #2 not drive me up a wall with their ignorance,

I hope that Barry and Doron could give me some good quotes and insights; but, it’s really a interview with someone at the center that I’m hoping for. It’s a high level very prominent place to do an interview at and it’ll give me a chance to go out and do some more information searching.

I just don’t know what I want the story to focus on…

Also I’m supposed to have this thing memorized for Acting II by 3 pm and it’s already 1:38pm and I don’t know anything.

I can’t wait til this day is over and I can rest til thanksgiving.

I probably won’t blog til after then, since I never have anything to say.

In the meantime i should plug some of my fanfictions, I know I’m a dork but you can find them at:


i’ll be back soon; hopefully I’ll have a job then.

America: The Double Edged Sword

Posted in Life with tags , , , , , , , , on November 5, 2008 by thenewserials

So Barack Obama is the President Elect.

It’s rather odd watching the news and seeing history being made; I know years from now I’ll see clips of last night and be able to place where I was and how i felt. It’s like looking into the future to watch myself look into the past. An odd feeling by all accounts; but, one I can be proud of for the rest of my life.

To think that 51 years ago African American’s gained the ability to vote and here they are now winning presidential elections and such. It’s the end of a political season that has been both tiring and bruising. I’ve never felt so strongly about politics; I get involved, I have my opinion; but, I’ve never really been sure of something like this before. Watching how the race started and how it has ultimately finished is a stark difference.; but, to quote Chrissie Hynde “One Thing Never Changed” and that’s Barack Obama’s respect and moral integrity. Above all he didn’t bother to stoop to the levels of the McCain/Palin ticket (which was done out of desperation) and stayed the example of a proud American working at full capacity without sacrificing his/her moral beliefs and standards. It has made me even more proud to live in this country and share it with everyone who is here…even the disgusting bigots who I’ll refer to right now…

In not so happy news; California, Arkansas and Florida have taken a step backwards while the rest of the nation happily jumped forward. Proposition bigot, er, I mean eight passed in California allowing for same sex marriages to be illegal under the states constitution. A similar bill was passed in Florida and Arkansas passed a bill banning Homosexual couples from adopting children.

There is seriously something wrong with a country that doesn’t want to extend benefits for people who date different people from the rest of them. These propositions are clear and blatant examples of the bigotry that still exist within the country; that I hope Obama will address in his Presidency. It’s strange to see that adoption by same-sex couples is illegal. In a country that has so many needing children who need a family; you would think people would try to make it as easy for them as humanly possible; but, because they don’t agree with people’s lifestyle. It’s sick and it’s retroactive.

This brings me to the point of why I’m proud of African Americans for proving that I’m 97% right all the time. I used to say:

“African American’s won’t make it anywhere; because they refuse to stick together and instead want make it as individuals and never as a group of people. Their struggles in the past have been almost nulled by the current generation and unless something major happens their going to settle for anything.”

And essentially I’m right. Yesterday they showed that they could come together and totally smash the odds. They took something that could grasped the election. Imagine what else they could achieve if they worked together?

And now I’m saying the same thing about Homosexuals. They really need to go out there and stop excepting Civil Unions. Start Demanding marriage and if they don’t give it to you; take it. I’m not promoting violence; I’m promoting taking whats your right as an American person. It’s time to stop being complacent and start being loud and obnoxious. I’m proud of my African American Brothers and sisters for sticking together and now I need my homosexual, bisexual whateversexuals to stick together and get what they deserve.

Even more so it would be my ultimate dream to see the African American community embrace the Homosexual community and recognize they’re still back there. They’ve moved up and it’s time to look back and lend a helping hand. Don’t make the double-edge Sword of America’s tolerence get sharper. Sharper your end for equality and rights and dull the end of seperate; but, equal mindsets.

Together America can be the place in the world that everyone should look at.

And that Day Could always be Today.

Where The Hell Are We going?

Posted in Bored Stuff, Life with tags , , , , , , , , , , on October 28, 2008 by thenewserials

It’s been a little while since I’ve blogged on something not a review.

My life just isn’t that interesting sadly. I’m going to talk about school for a little bit and then get into some of the things I’m looking foward to and also not looking forward to.

So I go to a prodomently hispanic College in the Bronx, N.Y. The fact that it’s mostly latinos doesn’t bother me mostly because since elementary school I’ve been going to school with mostly spanish people anyway. This serves me and diserves me; oddly in the same way. With these people being mostly spanish students I have an automatic disconnect. Not that I needed a further reason to be disconnected from society; but, the notion of literally having nothing in common with the people I study with allows me to live a social life within college that is equvalent to a shadow. People will notice I’m there; but, at certain parts of the day and when the day is over I won’t be. There was a time elementary school and some high school that I wanted to be popular and accepted by my peers. Somewhere around 10th grade I let that silly notion go and now I’m strive for mostly the opposite. I like the idea of not having to engage in twenty conversations when I walk down the hall. Some people call it anti-social; but, I don’t see it that way at all. It’s not as if I’m going out of my way to avoid people; I just don’t do backflips to make impressions on people. I’m always there for help and I will support someone; but, there’s no point in trying to be someones friend when I’m almost sure that we have nothing in common.

Friends and I often joke that I am a 40 something year old white woman; because of the things I say and do and all the culture I’m into. Look I’m aware of whats going on in the popular world; but, I don’t give a damn. Popular culture is anti-culture to meet at this point in our society. It teaches to be different for the sake of standing out and being noticed OR being the same for the sake of not standing out and being ridiculed. It’s somewhat twisted and it’s a bit frightening at that too. Imagine being one of these people who really HAVE to be accepted; Imagine how hard they have to work all day, everyday to try and fit in into society just to be accepted just to justify their own existance.

It’s a maddening thing to try to precieve; but, that’s the world we live in and it’s wrong. I know and otherpeople know it. I just don’t understand how pornography has gotten to the point where it’s the social norm and the entry way to acceptance. Skimpy outfights and vigorous booty shaking will make a girl popular; while ownership of someone with those qualities will make a boy popular. Listen there’s nothing severely wrong with it; just that it seems odd to be in main stream-culture. I watch pornography and enjoy it; but, that doesn’t mean I’m going to start a commercial ad to promote everyone else to do it. I’m allowed a vice; hell, I’m allowed to LIKE my vicel but, it’s not my place to spread it. “Practice what you preach” is a silly term to me. If you know what I’m saying is right why must I adhere to it for you to do it? If I murder people; but, tell everyone else not to murder why does somehow equate to my advice being null and void? It doesn’t make me a good person at all; I agree; but, do you only listen to good people? and are good people the only people who give sound advice?

I’m not a busy person; but, I don’t have time to keep up with the Jonses. For example; I cannot for the life of me understand why people are interested in other people’s lives. A good friend of mine, a really good friend, watches MTV (yuck) and watches a show called “Making the band” in which viewers tune in to watch a group struggle with the pressures of recording an album and touring and all the tortuous problems that comes with a successful life on Television. Now while I can understand why he wactches the show; I cannot understand why he CARES about the show.

Anyone can watches anything for momentary entertainment value; and our current society is so fit to just watch other people walk around eat and curse. But CARING about what happens is a whole different story all together. How can someone elses life be more interesting than your own? How can Aubrey’s problems of being signed to a successful record label be more interesting than my own problems?

It’s not something so outrageous it’s not something that is odd; these people have normal, fabricated problems. The other idea is that I’m not sure what people think; clearly these reality shows aren’t real. No one acts the same when the camera’s are around and their dealing with P-Diddy. P-Diddy! this guy is just about as real as the easter bunny, sitting on a rainbow, drinking jawa juice whilst talking to the car from chitty chitty bang bang. There’s no redeeming value in these shows; and worse off you’re giving someone else your time and money!

I won’t understand society today clearly and I’m sure most of you reading this won’t understand me; but, that was my attempt. I’m destined to stay this way for a while. And their destined to stay that way so I guess I’ll live here and they’ll live there.

We’ll See…

“Maybe Tomorrow…Maybe Someday”

Posted in Life with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on October 1, 2008 by thenewserials

Halloween is almost here and I haven’t begun to construct my costume.

I’m a  little concerned that I won’t be able to get all the parts of the costume in the next three weeks; but, if I’m lucky and frugal enough there shouldn’t be any reason why I don’t.

Since the last time I blogged nothing has really happened; I’ve been spending my days playing my Genesis Emulator on the PSP; enjoying old school games like “Pirates of Dark Water” , “Monopoly” and “Sonic SpinBall”. The old games still back that same punch and can even hang with some of the games of the present day.

Movie and T.V. news is the same. Quantum of Solace and 24 are still coming out…yay!

Break Up The Concrete is coming out Tuesday along with the show at the Highline Ballroom. It’s almost here and I am more than almost ready. I have yet to hear the last two songs on the album (“Break Up the Concrete” and “One Thing Never Changed”) but; I’m tempted to do a mini review of the album. I won’t, there are other things I can talk about.

Yesterday I visited my grandmother in Queens. A spur of the moment “Daycation” with my mother. It was very nice; the last time I had seen her was Christmas of 07′ and its always a pleasure to be in her company. It’s bitter sweet when you love someone like a grandparent, because you’re watching them get old. Yesterday she repeated herself a lot, her memory isn’t great and she now walks with a cane. But at Seventy-something what do you expect right? That being said she still has her wit. While my mother and I were watching T.V. something brushed against our feet (a hair from Max, my grandmother’s very overweight Welsh Corgi) and we both looked down to inquire. She asked us what was wrong and we said “nothing” to which she responded.

“oh ok…let me know if I have to run”

That single line made me smile the rest of the day; it’s moments like that that remind me I’m a lucky guy. I don’t have a lot; but, what I do have is top notch.

It was good to take this “daycation” with my mother; we barely ever go out together anymore and sometimes it’s just good to get away…even if it is just to Queens. I was little upset Engels didn’t come. He couldn’t because he had to work; but, I don’t know as much as he annoys me and bores me sometimes I never seem to want to do anything without him.

Before my mother and I left for Queens we were coming down the stairs in our building and she, quite vocally, sung: “Maybe Tomorrow, Maybe someday. You’ve Changed…” That’s probably the extent of what she knows; but, it was funny to hear my mother sing a Pretender’s song, unprompted. Sometimes I wonder if she can really process what the Pretenders are to me…

That brings me to “Talk of the Town”…If you haven’t heard so now.

There’s a few things I wanted to bounce off the internet before my next post; which will probably be all about the concert and what not.

#1: The Presidential debate: Wasn’t it interesting? Both candidates performed well and at some points even seemed human, McCain called out Obama on some of his policies, and Obama called out McCain on his telling half of the story about Obama’s policies. I think if we had to pick a ‘winner’ It would have to be…


I mean the guy was so on-point, more than what anyone really thought he would be. This was to supposed to McCain’s bag; but, Obama proved he’s not a push over. Now…for the Vice Presidential debates.  To quote Matt Damon (probably the last time I do this) “She’s like a bad Disney Movie”


Now for everyone who knows me, knows that I can’t stand stupidity and gimmicks. This is the whole reason why I don’t watch foolishness like “SmallVille”; but, no matter how hard I try to get away it finds me. There’s really no other way to explain why they would make a show about a Pre-Robin Dick Greyson aside from…desperateness. CW has been struggling to stay afloat in ratings long before it’s switch to the new name. To show a Gotham and not show Batman is like to read the bible and not mention Jesus. It’s pretentious and desperate.

#3: Here in NYC Mayor Micheal Bloomberg (whom I’m fond of) is apparently going to try to run for a third time. He cites the economic disaster as his reason; but, I’m sure he considered this before the crisis. I like the guy. Giuliani came in here and made the city look nice; but, Bloomberg came in here and actually made the city a nice play to live and visit. The guy is to the point and will not apologize for doing the right thing. I think he’s about as honest as a politician can get and he seems to know whats best. The man is planning for the future of New York well after he’s gone. This is not to say that he’s perfect; I draw major issues with his handling of the schools. It’s essentially help the ones that are doing well and let the rotting ones die. While schools are there to educate kids they are severely undermining the staff and the good people who help the kids. The kids in high school are not all smiles and hallmark cards; some of these kids are horrible; filthy, rude monsters and it takes a real dedicated person to put up with them. But nothings perfect…is it?

Until next time…