Archive for Life

On: Fallible Expectations

Posted in Life with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on November 30, 2010 by thenewserials

As I sit here in the overflow room in at my campus I’m suddenly reminded that I have absolutely nothing to look forward to tonight. Another night alone watching television I don’t want to see.

maybe I’ll go the movies by myself but, that wouldn’t be fair to my dogs who like to have company and I don’t want to do to them what others have done to me.

Today I feel…alright. I don’t feel angry at the world as much as I usually do, ┬áthe same old betrayal and nonsense engulfs me but, what can I do? I can’t make people act the way I want them to act. The individual is a beautiful thing even when its ugly.

Though I’m starting to wonder what the point of being in love is. I mean I get it it’s nice sometimes and it works for a little while but, then it just dies like a slug sprayed with salt. It dissolves into a disgusting abomination I wish I hadn’t seen in the first place.

On the one hand I’ve got a man who has so many ambitions he can’t sit still. His mind and hormones and social life are all buzzing like bees and maybe I’m stupid but, I’ve found myself falling for him and he wouldn’t give me the time of day until recently. We had a great time, smiling and eating and being sexual and whatever but, then two days later he was on to the next one.

Why is it that I feel upset? There was no contract there, no one said neither of us could go out and pursue our fleshly, emotional and mental needs. Maybe I’m just idealistic and stupid, I shouldn’t have ever have put my self in that position because I knew, I KNEW this was going to happen. This is how it always happens, I think I’m some sort of treasure that should be beheld and cherished and really at the end of the day I’m nothing more than a chew toy. Amusing while in use but, other than that no lasting quality. As he said why should he care about anyones emotions over his own?

Self Preservation is man’s first instinct.

On the other hand I’ve got someone with such low ambition he can’t even stay awake. He slouches and whines and picks at his pathetic life and wallows in self pity that’s generated by his overzealous need for nothing. But I’m expected to treat this was some sort of excitement or at the very least some moderate transgression of interest. Some rule forbids me from being disgusted and repulsed by his line of thinking, my intellectual make up has run over some taboo that I didn’t know existed. And so when I talk to him I snap or I’m not as kind as I could be but, kindness is a tool that is allotted by some sort of respect and how can I respect something or someone who has utterly nothing to show for themselves at any point of any time? Furthermore why has he decided to hitch to me? I’m not wildly successful I’m moving at a moderate pace and barely that on my own, why hitch your suffering to that which you can easily take down? Isn’t it more a challenge to drain the soul of an Angel, aren’t the rewards greater then?

And on the foot I’ve got a guy who owes nothing to me in any fashion but, I want him to feel the way I feel about him. A constant ache to just have someone understand that I don’t ask for much but, I do ask for accountability. Someone who will finally think about me before they commit their actions? And why do I prescribe this falsehood on someone who doesn’t even live within 100 miles of me? Why have I let my silly little heart jump ahead of itself again and want someone who isn’t even emotionally there. He’s got problems of his own and I come with some much baggage you could pack you house in it.

I’ve lost control to some degree, I really have let myself be ruled by the inane actions of a few. So what If I’m a ‘nice guy’? That doesn’t strengthen someone’s allegiance or make them want to fight for you or make them someone who can even exist in my realm of insanity.

Why did I ever put these people on this pedal-stool, they’re just human beings. Imperfect, sometimes irrational, normal human beings. The pressures I’ve bestowed upon them are all the things I guess I want to be and can’t. Out of my broken pieces perhaps I could have welded together something greater but, I chose the wrong subjects and they had never asked for the positions.

And likely they’ll never give me the satisfaction that I want, not because its too much to ask of them but, really because they don’t WANT to. THAT’s the critical illusion to dispel.

But, like always; Tomorrow is a new Day.


Where The Hell Are We going?

Posted in Bored Stuff, Life with tags , , , , , , , , , , on October 28, 2008 by thenewserials

It’s been a little while since I’ve blogged on something not a review.

My life just isn’t that interesting sadly. I’m going to talk about school for a little bit and then get into some of the things I’m looking foward to and also not looking forward to.

So I go to a prodomently hispanic College in the Bronx, N.Y. The fact that it’s mostly latinos doesn’t bother me mostly because since elementary school I’ve been going to school with mostly spanish people anyway. This serves me and diserves me; oddly in the same way. With these people being mostly spanish students I have an automatic disconnect. Not that I needed a further reason to be disconnected from society; but, the notion of literally having nothing in common with the people I study with allows me to live a social life within college that is equvalent to a shadow. People will notice I’m there; but, at certain parts of the day and when the day is over I won’t be. There was a time elementary school and some high school that I wanted to be popular and accepted by my peers. Somewhere around 10th grade I let that silly notion go and now I’m strive for mostly the opposite. I like the idea of not having to engage in twenty conversations when I walk down the hall. Some people call it anti-social; but, I don’t see it that way at all. It’s not as if I’m going out of my way to avoid people; I just don’t do backflips to make impressions on people. I’m always there for help and I will support someone; but, there’s no point in trying to be someones friend when I’m almost sure that we have nothing in common.

Friends and I often joke that I am a 40 something year old white woman; because of the things I say and do and all the culture I’m into. Look I’m aware of whats going on in the popular world; but, I don’t give a damn. Popular culture is anti-culture to meet at this point in our society. It teaches to be different for the sake of standing out and being noticed OR being the same for the sake of not standing out and being ridiculed. It’s somewhat twisted and it’s a bit frightening at that too. Imagine being one of these people who really HAVE to be accepted; Imagine how hard they have to work all day, everyday to try and fit in into society just to be accepted just to justify their own existance.

It’s a maddening thing to try to precieve; but, that’s the world we live in and it’s wrong. I know and otherpeople know it. I just don’t understand how pornography has gotten to the point where it’s the social norm and the entry way to acceptance. Skimpy outfights and vigorous booty shaking will make a girl popular; while ownership of someone with those qualities will make a boy popular. Listen there’s nothing severely wrong with it; just that it seems odd to be in main stream-culture. I watch pornography and enjoy it; but, that doesn’t mean I’m going to start a commercial ad to promote everyone else to do it. I’m allowed a vice; hell, I’m allowed to LIKE my vicel but, it’s not my place to spread it. “Practice what you preach” is a silly term to me. If you know what I’m saying is right why must I adhere to it for you to do it? If I murder people; but, tell everyone else not to murder why does somehow equate to my advice being null and void? It doesn’t make me a good person at all; I agree; but, do you only listen to good people? and are good people the only people who give sound advice?

I’m not a busy person; but, I don’t have time to keep up with the Jonses. For example; I cannot for the life of me understand why people are interested in other people’s lives. A good friend of mine, a really good friend, watches MTV (yuck) and watches a show called “Making the band” in which viewers tune in to watch a group struggle with the pressures of recording an album and touring and all the tortuous problems that comes with a successful life on Television. Now while I can understand why he wactches the show; I cannot understand why he CARES about the show.

Anyone can watches anything for momentary entertainment value; and our current society is so fit to just watch other people walk around eat and curse. But CARING about what happens is a whole different story all together. How can someone elses life be more interesting than your own? How can Aubrey’s problems of being signed to a successful record label be more interesting than my own problems?

It’s not something so outrageous it’s not something that is odd; these people have normal, fabricated problems. The other idea is that I’m not sure what people think; clearly these reality shows aren’t real. No one acts the same when the camera’s are around and their dealing with P-Diddy. P-Diddy! this guy is just about as real as the easter bunny, sitting on a rainbow, drinking jawa juice whilst talking to the car from chitty chitty bang bang. There’s no redeeming value in these shows; and worse off you’re giving someone else your time and money!

I won’t understand society today clearly and I’m sure most of you reading this won’t understand me; but, that was my attempt. I’m destined to stay this way for a while. And their destined to stay that way so I guess I’ll live here and they’ll live there.

We’ll See…