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On Dreams

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on July 19, 2010 by thenewserials

Fantasy, Reality? Whose being picky anymore?

I swear I was thinking about this blog post before I saw Inception be-that-as-it-may, you may or may not see some influences from the movie. Whatever seems similar is pure coincidence.

Much like headaches aren’t a normal event in my mind because of the dual (dueling) personalities in my mind, sometimes dreaming is an interesting event in itself. Not all the time though, most of the time of the dreams are banal and of standards pseudo-creativeness but, everyone once in a while sometimes I’ll have a dream that will even somewhat amaze me.

The other day I had a dream about something that I can’t fully explain but, in the dream I was rejected and blame for something that wasn’t my fault, and in a very cinematic fashion I walked off and an orchestra started  playing in the background. Nothing amazing there but, the odd thing was that when the music started playing I, in the dream started thinking of more music. So as this invisible orchestra was playing my walking off music, I was thinking of more, different music.

An odd thing that hasn’t happened to me before in a dream. It was if, for once, the two people in my mind were working quasi-together. Even though music was conflicting it was most certainly as if there was two things happening at once.

When I was young dreams used to be the place where all my wants would come true, around the conception of  ‘Bryant’  they started becoming a place where I would see all the things I didn’t understand, like or believe. I’ve died in my dreams several times, each more unspectacular than the last. There’s nothing like death but, even more depressing is  an uneventful one, or one ironic in circumstance. Something like an ill-fated joke gone wrong, I wake up thinking that my life might be a really strange joke with a non-halarious punch like…like anything Dane Cook says.

I’ve also a series of dreams within dreams, which I think bothered me the most. I suppose Inception did bring this back to my recent memory but, a year or two back I was being troubled by this terrifying nightmares that would keep me up at night and make it hard for me to go to sleep at night. In the most vivid one, I was sleeping alone in my room (the severity of the dream is always determined by the proximity to my room, if it’s in the city, it’s scary, if it’s in the building it’s terrifying, if it’s in the apartment it’s horrifying but, if it’s in the room it’s downright demonic. I mean what sensible person dreams of their own room? Dreams are for escaping not, second hand experiencing.) and suddenly this person begins talking to me and then a moment later begins to scream at the top of its supernatural lungs and pushes me into the bed at its full force.

The sheer volume of the screaming and the force of its pushing me into the bed was so horrifying that it eventually woke me up. Of course when I woke up, the same thing happened again in the same way and now I felt as if I couldn’t trust my own mind, eventually waking up in my bed in the exact same way I would have in the dream.

Usually I forget these things and settle in the quiet anger of my original, skewed psychosis. I don’t believe I’m capable of daydreaming, I consciously ignore and blame it on such but, to think that I actually could be so lost in a thought that my surroundings become blurry in terms of focus. not with two personalities in my mind, one is always looking around, I’m afraid if I ever did daydream I would be stuck, because it would be giving priority over one personality and I don’t think it would ever be willing to let go.

But honestly whose to say what’s a dream and what’s not? Maybe typing this blog is all an elaborate illusion of my brain, giving something to do. Maybe my real life is that ethereal, unfocused world in which I’m constantly berated and die, sounds terrible but, sometimes it’s nice to somewhat all-powerful. Sometimes it’s nice having the ability to look at the world in a totally creative way, without the boundaries of physics.

But that’s probably too much to ask for.

Facebook.com/raganork8

Twitter.com/KeithBCovingon

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From The Minds of a Cereal Killer: On Writing a Novel

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , on July 12, 2010 by thenewserials

Let me preface this with: I’m Lazy.

Trying to write this novel has been something akin to getting into a relationship with a person who is perfect one day and then totally wrong the next day. I tried the forceful ‘write everyday’ approach but, that didn’t bring me any pleasure. Now I’m, seemingly, on hiatus from writing the novel. I haven’t written since about the time I was in school and I feel content with not writing until I go back.

there’s something about writing that I just can’t get into if I’m not in the mood. The words will be in my mind but; they won’t come out the right way and so instead of putting out something forced and contrived I prefer not to put anything out at all. When I used to write by hand I would always do it when I was supposed to be doing something else. I wrote in school all the time during class, so much so that it got me into trouble. Sometimes I would write on the train but; I would rarely ever write when I was at home. There was something about sitting in my own apartment and writing that seemed perverse to me, especially if my mother was home. I felt like I was masturbating or something of the like while she was around, it was something I didn’t want her to see.

When I started typing on the computer I found that I had somewhat of a 180. I could suddenly write at home with my mother home (so long as she didn’t cause a constant distraction) but, I would write by hand and then transcribe later, writing the same thing twice NEVER appealed to me.

Now I write in school again just not during class time (well maybe sometimes) and I find I’m able to write a little more thoroughly that way. Still I can’t write for a long duration of time, it takes me quite a bit of time to write a page or two and when I’ve used up the creative juices they’re gone for the day. However the two pages that I get down I’ll be proud of and ultimately will be a good product.

Now the challenge is to get motivated more often, the feeling of plowing through a section of the novel is extremely gratifying but; equal to the horrid, wretched failure of not being able to look at the novel without feeling some sort of dread.

And even though I can’t write every day the story is constantly going on in my head, scenes play continuously, backwards, forwards in slow motion, sped up. I see every ounce of the story in my mind in vivid detail. It’s both amazing and terrible because I can experience the greatness that I’m about to create but; sometimes I simply just cannot place what I see on the paper.

The images run perpendicular to my thoughts so I’m able to think and imagine the story at the same time. It’s rare (extremely so) that I’ll be lost in a trance thinking about the story and not be aware of my surroundings. I can look at the halls of my college and be equally aware of where I am as well as see the halls as any given location in the novel.

It’s like having two TVs in your brain playing different programs at once, both at the same volume and image resolution. Every so often I can see the novel world in front of my eyes but; the images gets stuck as if its missing a piece of a reel. When that happens I’ll often act out the scene playing out whatever characters I have to find what’s most effective and natural. This could go on from a couple of seconds to about fifteen minutes. I’ll talk to myself in the inflection of each character, and i’ll do it several times, over and over until I feel I’ve gotten it right. Of course sometimes this’ll draw the stares and strange questions from stranger who don’t understand what’s going on but; that only helps me put the characters into the real world.

I live in NYC so I take public transportation most of the time but; when I am able to ride in a car to go somewhere and I get out on a highway my mind will completely go into a comparison mode. The peaks and valley’s of the terrain around me become structures in my novel and at any given point I’m able to recall the image, almost perfectly to transcribe.

The ultimate problem is that I’m not able to write as quick as I can think. At any given point of writing this novel I’ll be planning out events that happen two-hundred or three-hundred pages in the future and because I’m not there when I’m writing  I find myself disinterested or dissatisfied.

I have similar problems with screenplay writing and blogging and it’s important to note that nothing I have ever written has come out to my total approval, not even in this blog. Before I start writing I have a particular way I want everything to sound but; when It’s on the page it isn’t the same thing.

There’s more to this and as I write I’ll continue to detail the problems and the joys of writing.

In the meantime please feel free pass this blog on to someone who might not have a chance to read it and feedback is ALWAYS appreciated.

You can read my current novel here

And my collection can be found here: Covington

Again feedback on everything is appreciated

And As always I can also be found on Facebook and Twitter at:

Facebook.com/raganork8 and

Twitter.com/KeithBCovington

The Gospel of Divorce

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on June 27, 2010 by thenewserials

An old axiom prescribes that one should never meet their hero, in fear that the meeting might be less than spectacular. That your hero could somehow let you down and change your course of action in life.

It’s a depressing thought, spending your entire life idolizing and loving someone only to find out that they’re not who you really wanted them to be. Some of it is selfish, yes one shouldn’t expect a human being to be anything other than a human being but, what happens when one comes face to face with God?

Maybe not possible but, a common consensus seems to be that the closest way one can get to God is through organized religion. It’s an open door to knowledge, salvation and acceptance and to be apart of it one would have to marry the religion. An undying, unconditional devotion to one religion.

I knew this, I knew this from an early age. My family was married to a religion, Jesus Christ was our absolute savior and ultimate patriarch, I was married through birth but, somewhere down the line, when I wanted answers, when I sought out God on my own terms I realize that I had to divorce myself in order to learn anything.

My divorce from religion wasn’t instant, it was a gradual fall from religious grace. As I pondered the typical hypothetical and philosophical questions I found no one in my religion had any answers that didn’t seem contrived or derived from some sort of comforting lie.

I was in pain watching the world flow the way it was under my religion. It didn’t make sense that I could bow to the whim of a being of ultimate power but, that being couldn’t or wouldn’t stop the suffering I saw before my eyes.

How could I be morally expected to support a system that claimed power and dominion over all but, did not stop the madness that seemed pointless?

Even more disheartening was that the religion had somehow turned it’s back on me. I watched as people quoted scriptures and passages explaining why I was an abomination of epic proportions. I knew that these people were using the religion but still. How could my God allow them to do such a thing? Not only was their poison infecting the name of the religion, it was sieging my life and stalling it.

And so the slow divorce started and it was painful. Suddenly everything I believed in was thrown into question, I went from feeling as if I knew the most important things, to not being sure about anything.  I didn’t resort to Atheism though; I became aware that not knowing anything wasn’t as horrible as it initially sounded. I accepted that things may be that I could never really understand, or things may be just as I see it in the world with my own two eyes. I had no reason to believe one over the other both seem, wholly possible so I accepted not knowing anything and allowing myself the room to learn if it were possible.

So I divorced myself from religion, while it claimed to have answers I claimed that nothing could have all the answers, or any answers.  Religion, to me, wished to teach in confines, to teach everything within its knowledge but, I wished to learn as much as I could from an infinite source: experience.

Could I honestly anger God by seeking it out on my own by looking at His or Her world with my own eyes and not by the words of some ‘prophet’ that may or may not be a liar?

Should my faith be in man or in the evidence before my eyes?

So I filed in my mind, for fraud religion is not what I thought it was going to be. I feel more comfortable now but, it is a dubious achievement to say the least.

Remember you can find me on Facebook and Twitter at: Facebook.com/Raganork8

Twitter.com/KeithBCovington