From The Minds Of A Cereal Killer.

There’s a lot of things one can rationalize in the world; we can rationalize divorce, crime moral ambiguity and a whole slew of other things. Not everything though, some things I refuse to let be rationalize, loss of innocent life, the destruction of the natural world and mindlessness for no reason are some.

I realized I might have been insane after my ninth or tenth psychotic episode; standing in line waiting for my chance to purchase a CD someone behind me actually said: “You know that Jennifer Lopez movie with Ben Affleck wasn’t half bad”.

I was shocked by the blatant idiocy that I felt my mind snap in half creating another ego that would be forever cynical in the face of public admiration and culture. This other ego was instantly disgusted by standing around listening to the mindless dribble of idiots telling it how ‘cool’ the current culture was and how by, not participating in it, it was losing out.

Enraged at the whole situation he threw his hands in the air and walked off the line.

That was almost ten years ago now and we live in relative peace together; yes we’ve found things we agree with and we argue about things we don’t but, I’ve come to love this other ego and so I named him “Bryant.”

Bryant essentially hates everything; if it’s popular he hates it. Not because it’s popular but because he thinks that it has no substance. It angers him that we live in two culture driven communities: One as an African American and the other as a Homosexual. Ashamed of neither he finds himself unable to attach himself to either.

He can’t bare to bring himself to watch a Video by  Jay-Z, Beyonce or Drake and cannot stomach listening to more than three seconds  of Lady Gaga, Madonna or Rhianna. And yet he cannot find anyone like minded in his world; he lives alone, inside my mind, occasionally knitting and writing poetry.

Occasionally though he has moments where he wants to scream out and voice his anger. This is usually February or June; Black History Month and Gay Pride Month respectively.

He asks: How can he be reasonably expected to feel proud of being either when neither are proud of having him?

Bryant: “There’s nothing profound in being bound to a race that will discriminate just as badly as they have been discriminated against. It’s pathetic, one cannot hear himself thing when the two sides of him are not in agreement. The constant struggle to achieve equality is hindered every time one side makes a gain. African Americans have the majority in a vote – Success Then they turn around and vote down Gay Marriage – Defeat. Gays gain civil liberties in your state – Success, Hate crimes from minority gangs against gays go up – defeat. Not to mention the blatant racism in the Gay community, there’s still a qualitative difference between a Gay black man and a Gay white man.

Essentially I just ignore the black community; there’s no other choice really. Success and education seem to be hinderance in the community. Case and point: I speak correct English – I’m not black enough. I don’t listen to rap music – I’m not black enough. My inability to be ‘down’ makes me unable to be the correct kind of black and so I do not exist. Now of course this isn’t absolute, not everyone treats me that way but, the community and the culture does. To want something other than a pipe dream of rapping and ‘ballin’ is a instant sentence to non-blackness. Yes folks I fear they’ve revoked my Black Card…and I think they gave it to Justin Timberlake.

The Gay community: just as lost in the sauce. At least African Americans have a reasonable amount of equality in this world; I can’t recall the last time I heard a group of black guys attacked because they were black I’m sure it happens but, I don’t think it’s as common place anymore; but switch that to group of gay guys attacked by black guys…uh yeah check, seen that one. You’d think with all the injustices freely floating around the gay community would be more put together. In fact the same issues that occur with my African American ‘friends’ happen with my Gay ‘friends’. My inability to listen to Lady Gaga and wanting to club at constant intervals that would lead me to a coma, essentially breaks my apart from the homosexual party. I’m devoted to a thought, not one particular thought but, just thoughts in general. How did my two communities get stuck with a culture that was so synthetic and based on superficial ideals?

Where are the African American and Gay Youths? Clubbing? Dancing, smoking? Enjoying their Drake/Lady Gaga mash-ups?  Where are all the displaced ones? Where are the people concerned with the fact that in 2010 two gay people can’t get married in most of the country or a black man cursed with the mind of a philosopher can’t be seen as black enough?

I might be dramatic, maybe I’m a liar, my psychosis playing tricks on themselves, letting one believe the other is right? But Hermits aren’t entirely self-made. Something has to convince them that hermitism is a viable idea.

And so a day before the Gay pride parade, my mind has it’s own parade, a parade that I’m not actually bound to believe the smoke in mirrors that the gay pride parade presents. Things may be happy and elated for some but, until they take the shackles off themselves both communities will be doomed to an inevitable destruction.

The most pathetic of losses will always be self defeat.